


those were the days, he said

by andreaphobia



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Apologies, Choices, Depression, Emotional Constipation, Friendship, Gen, Love, M/M, Mistakes, Regret, Self-Loathing, Therapy, life - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 20:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andreaphobia/pseuds/andreaphobia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daiki needs therapy. Daiki attempts to be his own therapist. This is the result.</p>
            </blockquote>





	those were the days, he said

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lysapadin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/gifts).



> For Lys ap Adin, she who does terrible things to Aomine. Edited some since the first time.

_(click)_

Hello? Is this thing on?

…

There.

Okay.

 

 

 

I’ll be honest: I don’t know what I’m doing here.

I don’t mean like with this tape recorder, I mean, like... _life_. Basketball, too—though, well. Basketball _is_ life. It's all I've ever had.

Though, you know... there was a period of time when I didn't even have that. _God_ , that was miserable. It's probably impossible to explain to someone who's never been there, but... I pretty much hit rock bottom. There was no reason to move, no reason to go anywhere or do anything. Just lie around all day staring at the sky. Scratching my balls if they were itchy. Jerking off if I got horny. Just pissing away my time. And why not? The only thing that had ever made me feel fuckin’ _alive_ was ruined. Forever, I thought. At least, that's how it seemed.

Thank fuck for Tetsu, right?

...

I don't know where I was going with this. Talking about Tetsu just, like—it messes me right up, I don't fucking know why I thought this was a good idea—

 

 

 

...all right.

I'm back.

Y'see, this keeps happening. I can't... what's the word Satsuki uses? I can't _cope_. I don't have an "appropriate coping strategy". Whatever _that_ means. _I_ think it means the girl's been reading too many pop psychology books, but what the hell do I know, right?

She says it's because I bottle up all this, like, frustration and anger and resentment in me that I'm fucked up like this. What a joke. I mean, does that sound like something I'd do?

Does it?

Fuck. I don't know any more. I don't know a fucking thing, okay? I'm just an idiot, the biggest idiot that ever lived. Ahomine, that's me. Whatever. We all know that I'm a dumbass amongst dumbasses.

...

But despite that—despite _all_ of it, all the shit that’s happened and the way I’d keep acting up, like some fucking overgrown kid—that girl... has never left my side, not once. No matter how big of a jerk I was, or how far up my ass I’d managed to cram my own head, she never once gave up on me. I don’t know how she does it, really; if _I_ had to deal with me, I probably would've strangled myself to death years ago.

...

Don’t tell her I said this, but. I'm glad...

 _grateful_...

that she bothers.

I guess that’s something I should say to her face, right? Like... thank you, or whatever. Thanks for not leaving me out in the cold. Thanks for putting up with me at all, poor, pitiable fuck-up that I am.

That sounds all wrong, though. Sounds like I’m being sarcastic, when I’m really, really not.

… See? This is why I’m better off not saying anything at all.

It’s like my own little Catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. If I bother to say anything, I’ll just say it wrong and make someone cry. And if I don’t say anything, well, I look like a jerk.

I just can’t win. But I guess that’s not unexpected. Basketball’s the only thing I could win at consistently, and I managed to cock _that_ up, too.

Who knew a couple of little words would be so damn hard to say? Like, _‘thank you’_. Or, _‘I’m sorry’_. Or, _‘please’_. Y’know, as in, _‘please just give me another chance’_.

...You ever wished you could go back in time and just—redo everything? Everything you’ve done, every shitty little mistake you've ever made. If you had a chance to fix it all... put everything _right_ again...

would you take it?

(I’m pretty good at these pointless hypotheticals, right?)

But, well, there are no do-overs in real life. You get all of one shot.

And some people, like me, use that shot to be a jackass.

Man, if Midorima could hear me now—I can just imagine what he’d say. _“Aomine Daiki, displaying self-awareness?”_ ‘tch, well, yeah. No one could be this much of a jerk and _not_ know it, right?

...Well, whatever. Fuck you too, Midorima. Asshole.

Anyway.

...Hey, Tetsu.

If I could take it back—if there was anything I could do or say, at all, that would make things better, you know I’d do it, right?

 

 

 

...I guess you don’t.

 

 

 

Sometimes, I... think about how things used to be, back in Teikou. Y’know, like... reminiscing about the old days, or whatever. Just a little.

… Okay, that’s a lie. I think about it all the fucking time. It’s like a disease in my head—I _can’t_ forget.

Thing is, though, am I really remembering things the way they used to be, or just the way I _want_ them to be?

...Maybe you can tell me.

Remember how we used to stay late, after everyone else had gone home, and just play together in the fourth gym? You were pretty terrible back then, y’know, one-on-one. (Well, I guess you’re still like that now. You’d probably get mad if you heard me say that, huh?) Don’t get me wrong, though; it was fun. The most fun I’ve ever had playing with someone who sucks, at least, heh.

Remember when you and me used to go down to the _konbini_ after practice, and get drinks, and ice cream—chocolate for me, vanilla for you, always vanilla—and we’d take the long way home, the route that took us over the footbridge, and we’d just... talk? Hell, remember when we could talk at all? (Remember when I could even look you in the fucking eye? _I_ sure don’t.)

…

Remember that weekend your parents were out of town, and I slept over, and we just stayed in bed all day? I found a mole on the inside of your thigh, and you let me put my mouth on it. (Back then I pretty much wanted to put my mouth over every part of you, though, so. But Tetsu, you... somehow, you put up with that, too.)

Remember that time Kise tripped and smushed a sandwich into Murasakibara’s arm, and Murasakibara actually _ate_ some of it? _Man_ , was that disgusting. I know we used to joke about how Murasakibara’s part troll, but honestly, coming from me, it was only half a joke.

Remember that one match against Youmichuu where we just _wrecked_ them? Until the day I die, I’ll never forget that; it was absolutely incredible. _You_ were incredible. You—

…yeah, well. Those were the days.

 

 

 

… Ah, fuck this. I’m done.

 

 

 

 

 

So—bit by bit—I’m starting to realize what this is.

I think... that this—no matter what it was supposed to be, when I started doing it—has become, well... sort of a letter to you. Tetsu.

A record of all the things I couldn't fucking get myself to say, when it still mattered if I said anything at all.

I got this tape recorder thinking that I could at least get some of this shit off my chest—that maybe having someone, some _thing_ , listen to me would help, but well. Guess I was just lying to myself again.

I'm good at that, after all.

So. Tetsu.

That's where the story begins, right?

And where it ends.

Tetsu, I...

I love you.

You don’t have to say anything. Seriously, you don’t. I know it all; I’ve said everything to myself more than enough times to know it all off by heart. Too little, too late, and all that jazz. I get it. The only one who hasn’t moved on here is me.

And Tetsu, you... have someone new now. I _know_ that.

What, you think I don’t? It fuckin’... it eats away at me every day. That sounds so dramatic I want to punch myself in the face, but it’s true. I never knew the word _‘regret’_ until I met you, Tetsu.

I loved you, and you left me, but fuck, I don't blame you. How could I? I drove you away. And now I'm... well, now I'm like this. Now _things_ are like this. Fucked up beyond belief. Or maybe that’s just me.

Yeah, probably just me.

...See, it’s happening again. I talk about you and I just get all screwed up.

But hey.

Coping is overrated, right?

And by now, I think some part of me is pretty much used to being screwed up. I am... resigned to this. That’s my lot in life, y’know; to be that guy who had that one relationship that went sour, and then he gets stuck in a rut forever, never to live a normal, well-adjusted life. See? I can be candid about myself. And it’s kinda funny, in a way, right?

...Yeah.

Just hilarious.

How does it feel, knowing that I somehow managed to fuck up basically the best thing to ever happen to me?

Well, pretty fucking shitty, actually, thanks for asking.

Satsuki tells me I need to stop living in the past. I don't know what her problem is. The past is great. The past is where everything is fine, before I managed to send it all to hell. The past is... where I want to be, really.

...Yeah. With you, and her.

That’s where I want to be.

I think I’m starting to run out of things to say. I’ve been going round in circles for like an hour now. 'I miss you. I fucked up. I miss you. I fucked up.'

Which, by the way, is a pretty accurate representation of the voice inside my head, the one that's been going for, oh, pretty close to a year now, I’d say.

So I said all these words, thinking it would help me, but fuck, I already knew it wouldn’t. There’s no use in saying words, any words at all, until I can say them to you. Not some mechanical stand-in for you— _you_ , really you. Tetsu.

 

 

 

...For what it’s worth, though—which, at this point, is probably less than nothing, I know— I... am sorry.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

_(Somewhere, a door opens.)_

 

“...Aomine-kun.”

"—! Tetsu? How long’ve you been—?

 

 

 

“You really are... an idiot.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated~!


End file.
